What It Means to be a Brother– Ponderments– Part 3

If you haven’t read parts one and two, this post won’t make a lick of sense. I’d encourage you to go back and breeze over those before continuing.

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What do I do about those relationships in which I failed to meet such standards?

These might be family relationships, people I’ve pursued as a brotherly figure, or even those I’ve “adopted” in as siblings. Status doesn’t matter in this case. Why? Because each relationship is unique, requiring a basic concept in order to succeed, rather than a “12 step program.”

As a brother, I’m finding that trust takes time to build, moments to crush, and even longer to restore- aside from divine intervention from my Daddy. Sibling relationships rank among the hardest to restore, I think; reason being, the effort needed to demolish such a bond is far greater than normal. You’ll understand this statement if you’ve read parts 1 and 2.

The sad thing is, not all relationships can be restored, BUT that shouldn’t keep you from trying. Applying all we’ve learned up to this point, I’m discovering, should there be any hope remaining within a relationship, it will take time, effort, and humility to restore. This is coming from a man who’s failed many times, even screwed up the restoration process once or twice, and has otherwise hurt siblings on accident because I tried to push my own agenda rather than just love. I’m still learning and I hope you can glean from both my progress and mistakes.

Don’t expect things to change overnight, but neither be surprised if it does. Take one step at a time. That is what I am doing- taking it one step at a time, praying, and loving on the person in front of me till change occurs. This is the process of a man who claims 8 brothers, 9 sisters, and foresees more on the horizon.

What It Means to be a Brother– Perspectives– Part 2

I’m going to change gears now and draw from the wisdom of those around me. Welcome to the role of a brother, understood by others. Once again, I’m writing as a brother to sisters- unless otherwise stated- but the concepts still apply to brother-brother and even sister-sister relationships.

Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.” Growing up, I always thought that “adversity” meant my siblings and I were destined to fight- this did not resonate in my spirit though. This is how I’ve begun to understand now: “A friend may love at all times, BUT a brother will be there through thick and thin.”
Brothers were created to carry the family through times of hardship and despair. He is a support to his siblings and a beacon in the dark, even when he’s afraid or unsure. Such is the role of a brother.

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Developing on this concept, here’s the perspective of a girl- one whom I consider my big sister:
A brother is one who carries a sense of security, love and protection- if he’s walking in his identity, then his sisters will feel safe around him. They may disagree with him or even fight with him at times, but dare anyone mess with her, he’ll bring hell. Guys beware!

*Side note: It’s not that I’ll beat them to a pulp- highly unlikely, honestly- but I will protect her heart and that means he may have a mindset shift by the time I’m through with him.

His goal is quite simple: to love her and protect her without condition; that she would know without a doubt that she is taken care of. A guy friend is unlikely to possess the trust that a brother carries, for she does not question whether or not her brother will never leave her, that her thoughts will not forfeit their relationship, or that he will not share her heart with others. Why? Because the bond of “brother and sister” is stronger than the bond of “friend,” when done rightly. I say this, because many families are crippled! They have left this model or have never heard of such a thing- and in some cases, God creates a whole new family within which to learn. I believe God intended in His perfect plan that this is the way things should be, not the way they might currently appear.

Taking things a bit deeper, whoever you commit to as a brother is a BIG deal! This is a commitment of love. When you make this move, you’re basically saying, “I’m here to support, fight with, and love on whenever needed.” Forgiveness flows freely here, it must, and the value that you place on each other is far too great to keep silent when something wrong is being done. Disagreements can’t last and anger has no place to abide.

“The fact of the matter is, to truly love someone is difficult. It hurts and you have to have a lot of strength sometimes for both you and the other person. Finding someone to truly love you is difficult too because they have to be strong enough for them and you at times. That’s why love is so hard to find, but also why we never give up the search!”

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A final thought comes with age- a thought worth pondering: The words “brother” and “friend” in Hebrew are covenant words. Obviously we’re not playing around.

What It Means to be a Brother– Background– Part 1

Part1:

I’m writing this as a brother to sisters, though the concepts apply to brother-brother and even sister-sister relationships.

As my heart grows and the family aspects of life increase, I’m posed with a question: What’s so significant about being a brother?

Background:
I grew up in a family with eight siblings, a mother, and a father. In the past few years and especially this year, however, I’ve been discovering a new sort of family, headed by a different fatherly figure. His name is YHWH, but I’m discovering Him as the Redeemer. Always curious, I’ve made many a cautious step towards this family over the years. Now I’m walking; uncertain, but sure. I’ve one Father and He’s adopting new people into this family constantly. Some I’ll only ever get to know as a friend or acquaintance, but for a select “few” I will stop in my tracks, knowing without a doubt that this person is family.
Such has been my privilege, therefore, to welcome in some who may have never known family life or who’ve never experienced the love of one pursuing purity and truth. I never intended to be a part of a vibrant family; it’s sort of just happened as I’ve chosen to risk what I have in pursuit of my Father. This includes growth in my “biological family.”

“Brother”- it begins with a commitment. Dare I assume this title, my heart can NOT be for my own success. RATHER, I’ve begun to realize that this is a position of privilege, authority, and responsibility. Either I choose to commit to your success- for better or worse; whether easy or hard- else the flame of passion and love will die out leaving nothing to show, save for pain, despair, and ashes of broken dreams.

“Brother”- it continues with a set of standards. First things first, of course: I can NOT live life as though any and every girl is an OPTION. To open that door would be to make light of God’s blessings. I can NOT be fully committed to my sister if I allow thoughts of dating to linger. Besides, that’s just gross! No one ought ever to consider dating their sister, no matter how beautiful, funny, or otherwise, engaging she may be. And no, it does not matter if you’re biologically related or have been adopted into the same family. Siblings are siblings. End of story.

“Brother”- it’s the role I play as I call out my sister’s identity. Who’s to help my sister discover her true value, worth, and beauty? Who’s to reveal to her what un-condition-al love— that is, love without conditions— looks, feels, smells, and is like? Who’s to teach her standards, boundaries, and how to walk away from relationships that devalue her true self? I’m not talking about ministry, mind you, I’m talking about identity and any relationship that should follow, especially that of dating and potential marriage. As her brother, my job is to protect her- not control her- to teach her- not force her- to love her- not rape her- and to otherwise lavish her with gifts of praise, affection, service, laughter, etcetera, in a way that will foster humility and depth of the most beautiful kind. The humility and depth that only our Father can produce- vibrant, full of life and joy; peaceful and enduring; attractive, even alluring in the most pure way possible; representative of Yeshua, His Son, our Brother, the King.

Are you catching my drift? She’s a princess- treat her as such! He’s a prince- treat him as such! Lay down your pride, lay down your differences, and be the man or woman, the brother or sister that God has called you to be. It’s a lifestyle of becoming and it’s ok if you’re not perfect. Anyone can testify that I sure ain’t.

Silently Pass through the Hall of Doors- Doors 1, 2, 3

Don’t you just love awkward questions?

I’ve had my fare share over the years, but one prevails them all… Can you guess it?

It began years ago with my little sister and has only gone from there. People who didn’t know us very well would ask, “Are y’all in a relationship?” or “Are y’all dating?” Haha, no joke… I didn’t exactly appreciate such things back then.

How about now?

I would like to say that as we’ve gone our separate ways, the comments have subsided. On the contrary, as I think about it now, they just laid dormant until I started adding siblings to my family. With new sisters coming into the picture- all of whom I love very dearly- I’ve discovered a rather stark truth: most people don’t understand brother-sister relationships. In fact, if you treat a girl right, especially on a consistent basis, people are sooner to assume you like them than to ask if y’all are related. Hence the questions have resumed. It’s sad to me that our society has come to this… and even more so that I can’t deny my own participation.

On the flip side, here are some pluses to the whole situation:

1- I’ve begun to enjoy such awkward moments and make the most of them… sometimes with a mischievous twist. As the saying goes, “If you’ve got limes, make limeade!” And so I do, with a cherry on top. 🙂

2- A greater resolve has arisen to honor my sisters and treat them as royalty- technically they are. If that doesn’t make sense to you, understand that we are part of a kingdom and these are the King’s daughters we’re talking about. One would be foolish to mess around with such people in an unruly manner.

3- I’ve learned more so not to shy away from fully loving people. This includes not fearing or worrying about what others might think. Yeah… That one’s not so easy and granted, I may not always do it right, but there’s grace for that.

4- I’ve come to be thankful for the fact that such awkward moments didn’t begin with my “adopted” sisters, but rather with my biological sister. At least I’ve been consistent.

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Why do I do it? Because I’m committed to your success. Though this statement may apply to people in a general sense, I’m mostly focusing on my growing family. At least, that’s the idea, except for when I forget and try to do my own thing or people please… Life just ain’t worth living when it’s all about me.

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Ever wondered why I understand… or maybe questioned why I don’t?

Introducing the “Redemptive Gifts Test”! My top 3 are Servant, Mercy, and Prophet, in that order. The only thing separating mercy and prophet is one point… For those who don’t understand, this is significant, because these are exact opposites. They complete each other or otherwise cause conflict.

As I went out with one of my sisters tonight, I began to clue into why life is so weird, confusing, and otherwise rough for me- because the very things God’s gifted me with can be known to either wage war against each other or complement one another. With that in mind, I began to remember key points in my life when I couldn’t get over the fact that my thoughts were holding me back from moving… period. I couldn’t move one way or another- I’ve literally been stuck at times because of the war being waged inside between… myself. Hence questions like, “Do I really believe __________?” or “Why does ________?” or “Why have I been cursed with this…. whatever it is?!” became a constant disturbance. It’s not exactly fun to have a constant barrage of opposing spectrums clashing within.

AHHHHHH!!!

How does one love when he doesn’t feel it?
How does one believe when trust has fallen to the wayside and all hope seems lost or futile?
How does one find life when experience only knows pain and sorrow? How does one make a simple decision?
Where does one go for support when he’s only known a lonely road?
Why live, why work, why try when there seems to be no way out of this looming darkness?
Where is the life?!

I remember driving home from college, several weeks in a row, not understanding what was what- beliefs, thoughts, emotions- because my thoughts were at war. And with a closed off heart, I hardly stood a chance. Yet somehow, here I am. What gives?

The experienced hand of a masterful artist. He was working- there’s no way He couldn’t of been.

Might I also mention, such opposites pose a plausible argument for why I struggle SO much to work when money comes into the equation? That’s right, I’d rather serve someone with no known promise of a reward than to work for money. Why? I don’t really know… Money seems to either be a de-motivater, even though I need it, or too much of a focus, hence still a de-motivator because I lost focus on the people I’m serving.

An unfinished plate of “Food for thought” as you walk this road called life and, for whatever reason, also try to understand the person that is me…

I want to become that person who is approachable no matter the time of day or night, no matter the circumstances, no matter the things I’m doing.

As I thought about this tonight, I was reminded of how people related with Jesus. NO ONE felt like He was too far off or too holy to approach. Instead, they loved being around Him- granted, not always for the right reasons- because, among other things, He had humbled Himself to the point that EVERYONE knew He was approachable. There wasn’t a single one whom He rejected, nor did He disappoint when someone overcame their fears in order to gain His attention. They may have made a massive commotion or a dramatic scene, yet He was quick to defend them and pour out love to those who had stepped out in faith- yes, He called it faith.

And another thing: When Jesus needed to be alone, the Father made a way. In extreme cases, He even hid Him from others. This is an assuring thought, as alone time is something I greatly need. That’s not to say that I need to be in a distant place- rather, I’ve found that I can get this need met whether I’m by myself or in a crowded room- but that I just need to have my needs met and the Father is faithful to provide it.

This is one of my dreams: that no matter my success or lack thereof, I want to be that one whom people feel comfortable coming up to and saying hi to or hugging or whatever. Can I say it again? This is a very dear dream and desire of mine that I’ve never recognized till now.

That said, please know that you can come up to me anytime- more likely than not, I’d love to see you and hear whatever it is you have to say. (I’m being general, I know, but I mean it.)