Family

What constitutes a “family”?

Lets say, as a guy, you wanted to explain to me the various factors. Would you tell me that my family is determined by who conceived me and therefore is limited to whoever else they bear? Would it be based on my birth certificate/adoption papers? Or would you tell me that “your family is based on whoever was present: whoever raised you, took you in, or sacrificed part of their life to help you make it”?

Over the past eight years the exact meaning of the word “family” has come into question for me because, especially among young-adults, I’ve heard various people call each other “brother” or “sister”, often times for reasons unknown to me. For that matter, I’ve noticed the growing trend in movies: you’ll have “family” figures or even groups that call themselves “family” (like in the Fast And Furious series), even though no one is related. Hence the question: what is family? Is it “an affectionate label for friends”, a state of the heart, or something else?

I have come to think of family in several contexts:

1. Blood: I have my family who I am related to by blood. IE. I have my parents and those whom they bore as my siblings. We are family by blood, a bond which goes beyond beliefs, agreement, or even how present someone is. And it is also by blood that husband and wife officially become one, thereby allowing the cycle to continue. (No one can enter this type of family, except through the sharing of blood.)
2. Heart: This is where adoption comes in, whether by a legal process or otherwise. Though I’m not adopted, per-say, legally, this is where my family has grown the most rapidly. What I mean is this: when I label someone “family”, “brother”, “sister”, etc, or they me (and I know they mean it), that’s the direction the relationship then moves. It may be different for others, but that’s how it is for me, and so I don’t use the term loosely amidst my friends. Therefore, though blood is not involved, these people hold a similar position in my heart. Of course, some feel more like family than others, and in a sense, it can be “easier” to walk out on them, but for me, no matter how long it is between conversations, even if we disagree on things, they have become and will remain family. I love my oldest brother’s take on family, so I’ve applied it here as well: I may not agree with what you’re doing, I may not believe what you believe, I might not even talk to you for a long time, but in the end you are family and if you’re in need I’ll be there.
3. Sacrifice: This can go hand-in-hand with blood or heart. It’s based on choice: I love this person, so I will sacrifice ______ for them/to see them succeed. It’s what causes the bonds of family to go even deeper. The more I sacrifice for them or they for me, the stronger I feel our relationship becomes, even if our communication goes down for years on end.
4. Jesus: Though it’s hard to see this one as true family, Christians are also called “brothers and sisters in Christ”, “the body of Christ”, “the bride of Christ”. This one is also based on blood, but in a different sense. We are related through the cleansing of our sins, by accepting Jesus’ sacrifice for and gift to us, and by accepting YHWH’s invitation to become His children by adoption.
5. Superficial: This one I do not consider family, it’s what I view as a growing trend: using the words “family”, “brother”, “sister”, etc. loosely, to address friends or to avoid someone considering others as “something more than friends”. Most of these people don’t really stick around over the years, do they? So I try my best not to waste my energy by allow my heart to open up to people in a way that is superficial.

Thoughts worth considering as my family now spans three continents.

In-Reach

What do you call a missionary who, for various intents and purposes, does not call themselves a missionary?

For years now it seems people have had ideas for why I like missions, which got me wondering as well: What do I like about “mission” work?

You see, though I could claim such a title, I don’t see myself as a missionary nor am I a big fan of the word. Sure, it might open some doors here and there, but I just don’t like the association.

Having worked “in the field” and then on a “missions base” for over a years worth of time now–spanning the course of six years and four nations– I’ve discovered this: I’m not the outreach guy. That’s right, I’m the special one on the team who doesn’t care much for the outreaches, no matter how well known a group is for their work. What I’ve come to discover is that I was not drawn to the mission field specifically to speak to the hearts of women in prostitution, to families stuck in poverty, or even to children living on the streets, nor was I called specifically to meet the needs of the poor, the homeless, the fatherless, or the brokenhearted. Maybe this sounds a bit cruel or Biblically inaccurate, so I’ll explain.

Everywhere I go, outreach, as it’s often called, is a given and I participate to the best of my ability; however, they have never been the thing that’s caused my heart to come alive. A potentially bold, yet true statement. Hence a sobering question arises: what then do I go into the field for (what is my mission)?

I go for something equally important, but usually cast aside: in-reach.

What does in-reach look like?

Having never been taught, I can only share my experience: People. Pursuing and caring for those who out-reach, with my specific focus being on those I feel most heavily drawn to. Yes, I prioritize and no, I don’t actively in-reach to everyone on “mission,” though most are affected by it one way or another.

Let’s travel:

• Kenya– my first two experiences with in-reach in a foreign country. Here I unconsciously singled out a few people on our missions teams, in the group we were reaching out to, and to the local team we worked with. I would spend hours with these people talking, playing, drinking tea, sharing laughter and sobering moments alike. Looking back now, the most profound thing I ever did there was pick up trash for hours on end, on one specific day, at a camp we were holding, to beautify the grounds and aid the local staff. I thought I was just doing what I was told to do, even though everyone else had given up and left, but it touched the hearts of the hundreds to the core.
  

  

• USA– the grounds from which I’ve grown and developed the principles by which I live. It’s often hard for me to see the positive in having been in the States, let alone born and raised, and yet it is the very place from which the Lord chose to train me, separate from the masses. The longer I live the more I see the States as a country I’m going to, rather than the home I’m returning to–though my know-how is noticeably lacking. I just recognize that it is here that the Lord first began developing my concept of in-reach, much of it taking place in “formal” and “informal” church gatherings or in hangouts with friends. The most important thing I’ve done here is test the boundaries of culture, of what I was taught to be “right and wrong,” and to involve others in my search for truth.
  
  

  

   

• Costa Rica– once again, only a few were highlighted to me, including our hosts. It is here that I began to discover a slower pace of life, where beauty is absorbed rather than simply consumed. My most profound moment here is a bit harder to pin, but I’d note it as the intentional conversations and the hikes to the waterfalls, through which I saw one person in particular open up to the world of prophesying. Direct connection to the Father’s heart and voice.
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• Brazil– the place where I could say the most, yet where I simply wait, choosing to risk, pray, and hope. Here, like most of the other places I’ve been, is a place of mystery, a place of culture, a place of danger, and a place of hospitality. But it is in this place that I have expanded the most and it is in this place where I have begun to intentionally in-reach. The most profound thing I have done in this place is argue with God until I found myself listening and growing in love; in-reach to myself and to those around me. The results will continue to develop, but the beginning of it is a new home, friends worldwide, and a Brazilian family I anticipate walking with for many years to come.
  
  

  

  

  

  

  

  

In-reach: stepping deeper into God’s love and inviting others to come with.

Change Is At Hand

It’s December and life on base is winding down; hibernation mode preceding the busy new year. In-between holiday airport runs, long-term farewells, and house-“sprucing” I’ve found myself spending a lot of time in the prayer room, drawing. What better way to spend my time after a hectic month?

Having ended November with a large Thanksgiving feast, for all who would come, we kicked off December with a retreat for the entire Shores staff and the “official” startup of the truffle business, Sinhá Sabores Gourmet* (see below for more details). In the two weeks since, two of my dear friends have moved away, the team has continued to make headway on the new girl’s rescue home, we resumed Luke’s house remodeling project, and now people are leaving for their holiday break. That means LOTS of airport runs.

Hence the prayer room.

Now that the work is dissipating, what with everyone traveling, I’ve found myself drawing in the prayer room more than usual, creating prophetic gifts for those placed on my heart. Over the past few years I have grown in the knowledge that God is with me always and hears me when I speak; therefore, when I draw, I usually start by simply sitting down, turning on whatever music I’m in the mood for, and begin drawing. I like to call my creations prophetic in nature simply because they carry in them a specific piece of God’s heart which He has chosen to share with the recipient. The refreshing that’s come from these extended times and the responses of those I’ve made them for only helps to confirm.

For those who like to pray, here are a few other things on my mind:

• I’m having difficulty with the language. Though I’m learning new words, the understanding of the language and the recognition of those words I know during conversation is not coming so easily.
• I will spend a week with friends in São Paulo over Christmas. Though I don’t know the logistics, I believe God has big plans for this trip’s effects/affects on my life.
• I hope to move to Luke’s, at the end of the month, for the remainder of my time here. The longer I stay at Shores the more I realize the value of time spent away from work–since the base is where much of my work takes place, in effect, I have lived at work for four months now.
• With the beginning of January comes an influx of students for Shores’ one-month-school. It may also see the opening of our new rescue home, which carries with it all new ramifications for the ministry.

Pictures:

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*Though Sinhá Sabores Gourmet is not under the Shores’ umbrella, the business was created by my friend, Vanessa Neimeir, who is staff at Shores, and all the women whom she trained and discipled came from the communities in which we regularly minister. They’re starting from scratch and are still in need of some essentials– like a more equipped kitchen to cook in– but what they have to offer (which currently includes a variety of gourmet truffles, sandwiches, and baked goods) is superb. If you would like to know more about what they do, how to get involved, or even about the possibility of ordering their truffles, feel free to contact me.

Things of a Sort: Faith, Light, and Wisdom

While walking through the red-light district last week, as our team often does on Friday nights, I encountered several new, back-to-back, experiences.

Just a week before I found myself wondering why people are drawn to the red-light district. Obviously, for the “workers” it’s about money and for the “buyers” it’s sex without perceived consequences, but how could someone become so blind (fall so far) as to enter this realm in the first place? I walk the streets, I see the scantily clad women, I see the variety of “options,” but I don’t recognize the appeal. True story. And so, as we talk with and pray for the women, I’ve found my heart reaches out not only for the ones who create a supply, selling their bodies, but also for the ones who fall into the dulled state of demand, having awakened love when they ought not. But unlike many in this line of work, I’m neither angry at the seller or the buyer.

Which leads me to last week. After several significant stops along our route, our team came across a friend– one of the prostituting-women whom we’d already developed a relationship with. As the team talked with her I noticed a man across the street with a bottle of glue in his hand (which, here, is a cheap way to get high). Moments later I watched as he crossed five lanes of traffic, strutted through our group, and, in a rather dishonorable fashion, took hold of the woman’s body from behind.

Now, I don’t know if she had relationship with him or not, but under these circumstances she was not happy. Up until this moment she was experiencing the love of Father God–we could see it in her face, despite her effort to hold a blank gaze–and so, within seconds, I found myself in a position I’d never been before. Without missing a beat she unraveled herself from the man’s grasp and positioned herself in such a way as to, without words, request protection and a way out. Hence my opportunity to step in, as a protector, and do something else I’d never done: directly pray for the consumer. And the result? As one of the girls from our team helped her away and another distractedly translated for me, I watched the man’s stature change. Without words he went from forceful consumer, to dutiful, praying Christian, to shame filled sinner (who expected me to punish him with my words), to, finally, a state of alertness. And by that I mean his eyes lit up and a genuine, thankful smile of understanding spread across his face as he left. I’m convinced he walked away at least partly, if not completely sober.

From here we approached a tall woman so intentionally dressed that I could hardly figure where to look (a problem for someone with good peripherals). Some would expect that such a person could have no understanding of God or morals, and yet, like many in Jesus’ time, she expressed an understanding that many in the “body of Christ” have yet to discover. I loved what she asked us to pray for her for: increased faith, light, and wisdom. Many have a lot to learn from that thought.

This was followed by what I would call our third and final God-moment of the night.

When Shores goes to the streets we often split into two groups, one at each end of the strip, and walk towards each other. It could take thirty minutes or several hours to complete. On this specific night we converged at a convenience store where many often gather to eat, drink, talk, smoke, or get high. And it’s here that we met a relapsed woman from the ministry–someone we had helped escape the life, found a house for her and her sons, and created a job for to help cover her expenses, yet who, over a year later, left and returned to the streets. It was as some of our team conversed with her and others swapped stories from the night that I found myself in another unique position.

A ways off I had noticed a rather disturbed, shirtless man throwing beer cans at a passing delivery motorcyclist. After a while he approached the woman we were talking with and began a loud discourse. It was during this time that I felt a strong, but shaky hand grab my shoulder, and as I turned to see what was going on, glimpsed someone punching the first man flat on his back, into the street. Unbeknownst to me, the woman’s six and a half foot tall boyfriend was present and had been upset by the shirtless man’s words, so he used my shoulder as a means to propel himself towards his opponent.

Now angrier than ever, the downed man picked himself up and began yelling, which is when I noticed the knife in his hand and that a circle had formed, of which I was caught in the middle of. And so passed through my mind several thoughts: we were in the right place at the right time (though I personally didn’t know what to do in this situation and the rest of the ministry group appeared to be distancing themselves) and, that no matter where I moved, it seemed eyes were on me as I was uncomfortably close to the conflict.

I’m not one to enjoy conflict or even know what to do when in such a place, but I do often recognize when 1- God has placed myself or those I’m with in a given place for a reason and 2- when God’s people leave said opportunity, being driven more by fear and insecurity than love. And so, after watching for a while, from a distance, our leader determined it was time to go. A disturbing eye-opener, considering the previous woman’s request for faith, light, and wisdom.

Yet I could tell you more stories, from years past, in other parts of the world, with different ministries, where similar instances took place: a conflict arose, the body gave in to fear, and having switched into self-protect mode, fled, taking the hope of Christ with her. Far too often we bow before the kingdom of darkness and allow our light to go dim. And even worse, the world sees it. They recognize when we give in. So it is that the Bride of Christ–myself included–would do well to remember to trust in the Lord, rather than the voice of fear or uncertainty.

A group on the streets sniffing glue in “their living room” to get high.

Half-way There

Where I’ve been:

I’m nearing the 90 day mark of my time in Brazil, which means several things: First off, I’ve done a few things since my last update. Aside from our normal, weekly outreaches:

• I have gained charge over the vehicles. That means basic cleaning of vehicles, setting of the driving schedule, and ensuring there is gas in the tank, among other things. Oh, and lots of driving–I’m finally learning the roads fairly well. It’s risky business, especially since a cop can pull someone over for no reason at all, but I thankfully haven’t had to deal with that, say but once.
• I’ve helped with several house sittings now and even participated in some remodeling while one of the families was out of town (a.k.a. redoing Luke’s kitchen and staining the rafters, railing, and shutters around the house).
• I’ve made several significant friends, one of whom I see myself supporting for many years to come (I hope to write about her and her work sometime soon).
• I’ve had Dengue- might still be recovering from that one actually.
• I’ve been through sozo, twice, and still don’t know what to make of it.
• I’ve been to Porto de Galinhas (Port of Chickens)– I’m told the history of that place has nothing to do with chickens and everything to do with the continued slave trade, after it was “banned”. But now that’s behind us and the beach has since become a tourist hot-spot. Lots of Brazilian tourists….
• People keep asking me for prophetic art, especially to go with the truffles that my friend is teaching the women in the community to make. This means a lot more drawing than I’m used to and the need for color. Thanks to several contributors, I now have lots of paper and colored pens to learn with.
• I’ve finally gotten past the “me roda” (“spin me”) stage with the community kids (we’re no longer calling the communities favelas, for honor sake) and begun to actually do stuff with them instead. We’ve gone and picked acerola off of a neighbor’s tree, attempted to talk, walked around the neighborhood, and now we’re (Shores of Grace) helping to build a garden where the community can grow their own organic herbs and veggies.

Second, it’s about time to renew my visa and look at “options” for the remainder of my time here. I would love to stay longer than six months (180 days)–that’s been in my heart since before I embarked on this trip–but alas I cannot with the visa I currently hold. On the flip side, I have options for the holidays now. Kind of funny, actually, because my friends decided for me who I would spend Christmas and new years with. Apparently I’m going to Sao Paulo for Christmas and returning to Recife for new years!

So, now what?

As I just said, Sao Paulo seems to be on the radar. It never crossed my mind that people here would want me to spend Christmas with them, but since arriving I have had more requests than I know what to do with, hence my friends worked out the best way for me to spend time with… most of them. And I can actually afford it! That’s new for me. I’ve never been on a trip–mission or otherwise–until now where I could actually afford to do anything. Even without any official supporters I have enough, at the moment, to make it through the remainder of this year without counting pennies. Super nice!

The Lord said that He wanted to teach me the ways of love. In other words, He wanted to get it ingrained in me that I am loved by Him and by others and to be able to receive both His love and the love of others. A tall order considering the fact I was never taught of such things while growing up–for that matter, I don’t remember ever being allowed to actually dream for myself, so I also never developed the ability to desire things for myself in the long run. Yet here I am and He seems to be succeeding (on both accounts). I’m not entirely sure how, just that He is. When I was sick, not only were people caring for me, but several went out of their way to buy me groceries or rework the schedule so I could rest. Or when I’ve needed someone to talk to or someone to draw thoughts out of me there’s almost always been someone who shows up–maybe not that minute, but often within a day or two. That’s significantly faster than in the past.

And so here I am, there I’ve been, and now onward to a future where I’m potentially pursuing what’s on my heart, from a place of knowing I’m loved and being who I was always intended to be.

 Some new and old friends.

Interesting Case

The Bible has been a place of frustration for me for longer than most spiritual people might consider healthy. Because of the stuff God was working on I couldn’t stand to read it for well over a year. (A contradiction? I’ll let you decide for yourself.) Every attempt was pure drudgery- no life. Just anger, frustration, or despair- all the things Christians “aren’t supposed to feel.”

But despite my reasons not to read, I would still try, you know, every few weeks. And for the first time in possibly two years I came across some life giving verses. Among them was this:

“Never let loyalty and kindness leave you!” ~Proverbs 3:1-4

And elsewhere:
“Love wisdom like a sister; make insight a beloved member of your family. Let them protect you…” ~Proverbs7:4-5

These got me thinking: there are only two people I consider to have been truly close friends while growing up. And of these two only one remains a friend (though not in the same way as before).

Introducing my younger sister.

Our relationship has fluctuated a lot over the years, but one thing seems to have carried throughout it all: the ability to relate. From stories, to late night chats, to speech and debate partners, to fights and injuries, then apologies and a helping hand, I have learned that there are some in this world whom I feel I can trust. So it is that the word I most easily associate with love is “sister”.

This is quite a discovery for me. 

Reading these verses was almost like inhaling fresh air after years without. If wisdom (or a literal person) is going to protect me, from anything really, there has to be trust, there has to be love, and there has to be a mutual understanding that comes from time spent together. Otherwise, who’s to say I won’t choose my own direction and desire when in the thick of things, even when her voice urges elsewhere?

So I will look at what a sister is to me and use that to help in relating to wisdom:

To me, a sister is one that I (usually) feel comfortable talking to, one whom I relate with well, one who challenges my point of view, and one whom is both certain spiritually and beautiful physically (I’ve got a good looking family). Therefore, wisdom is one whom I desire to be drawn to; one whom I look forward to talking with regularly; one whom I enjoy being challenged by as she shares her own life, experiences, and discoveries.

My road may be a difficult one, full of painful runs, absurd passes, and treacherous valleys; my good times may feel minimal and reasons to laugh may often elude, but still I know I am being raised up, trained, prepared for life ahead. Finding life in discovering how to relate to wisdom is just another step–now to figure out how to do it.

~5am Sunrise

Luke and Alisan Billman

When you consider Shores of Grace, what do you think of? If you’re familiar with the ministry then your first thoughts probably include Nic and Rachael Billman, testimonies, music, or outreaches to women in prostitution. But is there more?

During my first trip to Shores, in 2014, I found myself drifting towards the unexpected: Introducing Nic’s older brother Luke, his family, and their outreach to the poor.

Okay, you’re probably wondering what my definition of poor is. In this case I’m referring to the homeless–many of whom have lost their value for life, to one degree or another (as I see it)–and those who’ve taken up residence in a favela–which usually means lots of children, small-tin-roof-houses, car-debilitating-roads (which transform into ponds during the rainy season), and stagnant water littered with trash. It is in this place that Luke and Alisan have geared their hearts to “teach the people to fish” (as the saying goes) instead of allowing them to continue with or step into an unhealthy sense of dependency. These people need a reason to go after all that God intended life to offer; a motivation to move forward, ideas for work and a healthy push to stick with it, and a sense of urgency, even in the face of great distress. Since every person is different this is proving quite a challenge.

If I were to describe Luke, his family, and what they have to offer their community, not too mention all who enter their house, it would be this: life.

Life “happens” as we gather on their front porch, settle into broken down chairs, share food and drink, and reminisce, ponder, joke, or otherwise express thoughts, experiences, and opinions. It is the life that they carry which God used to draw me back to Brazil, that I might learn to serve and support this family whom I have come to think of as dear friends. (I know there is more for me to do here than this, but God chose to use them as the foundation for returning).

What does this look like? In times past and present it has been as simple or necessary as house sitting, watching and playing with the kids, driving teams to the Favela to hang out with and minister to their neighbors, and being all-around available. I don’t suppose that all I do is necessary, but I do believe it is a work which I was called to learn and grow in.

That leads me to extend an offer: For those who are looking to support Luke and Alisan in any way possible, prayer tops the list. With the difficult and the painful aspects of life hitting them hard right now, nothing else could do what the power of faith-filled prayer, all around the world, can do. If your desire extends to financial gifts, please know just how valuable any amount can be. As missionaries in Brazil, they are dependant upon the donations people send them. To give simply visit shoresofgrace.com, go to the giving/partnership page, and specify that your gift is for “Luke and Alisan Billman” in the comments bar.

one of the ladies we were ministering to requested a picture with the group in front of her house

Back in Brazil!

Brazil–home of a beautiful, though difficult language, where community happens, laughter takes on form, and shame seems to overlook one’s physical appearance.

Recife–bordering the ocean, contains a population diverse in wealth, color, and hope, where churches do good deads for the sake of pictures on a screen (maybe I’m wrong), cruelty and mistreatment of others becomes the road to survival and pleasure, and where some of the poorest of all seem to glow with a light most can hardly fathom.

Shores Of Grace (SoG)–a group of locals and internationals working together to raise up the poor, provide opportunities for women and children in prostitution to leave “the life,” encourage the church to shed it’s façades by example, and living life in community where love learns to burn bright even through each other’ struggles and shortcomings.

This is where I find myself. We are a broken people caught in a constant flow of metamorphosis.

I’ve been back at Shores for almost two weeks, returning around the one year mark of my having left for the States, and I feel as much at home here as in Texas (which I suppose I shall dub my native land).

Much has changed while I was “abroad”: SoG is comprised of a vastly different staff now (all of whom I love), a sense of camaraderie seems to have overcome the overbearing need for rules, we have a new base, which boasts much needed room for outdoor activities, and, at least for a short time, there is a much needed majority of Portuguese to English speaking people around every corner.

So, what does one do during their first two weeks in a different culture? I’m glad you asked, but unfortunately I have no idea. Having been given little to do, until recently, I have made a few discoveries about myself, while also experiencing several unique moments:
I find I have retained most of the Portuguese I learned last year;
Dreads seem to be a bit of a novelty around here;
Being quiet and calm seems to attract playful nitpicking;
I have had a renewed desire to draw (thanks to requests for prophetic art);
A goal is beginning to develop within me for my time here;
My leg was kissed by a pig;
I have been tasked with fixing up and beautifying the base, which currently looks dull and is in need further organization.

My only real frustration is this: I struggle to communicate with the Brazilians solely because of the language barrier. We’re all working on it, but still…

What keeps me going is this: God put into my heart and mind that it was time to come again. The last six months have also helped, largely because they brought me to a place of quiet and calm amidst frustration. So it is that I read “Wild in the Hollow” daily, slowly open myself wider to what God wants to do, and press forward towards communication with the locals and my goal of caring for the caregivers (the staff here at Shores).

I have a dream- Finland

I have a dream: to travel to Finland and live among the people for several months on end, in order to learn from those I stay with and gain a feel for the culture at large. And to return time and time again throughout my remaining years (I’m not as old as this makes me sound… I don’t think).

I’m aiming to visit this year for my very first time.

Motivation: A 7-yearlong dream I’ve had to visit Finland and a prayer which God unexpectedly confirmed back in August.

My vision has grown to incorporate learning the ways of Rally Racing (which, more than anything, I think, is a much needed outlet for speed), seeking yet another place to call home (a.k.a. a place where I will return many times over the years), and to learn directly under other men all that they are willing to teach me.

Is this feasible? At the moment, there’s no possible way I could pull this off. Though I do have friends there, the means for such a trip just aren’t “visible” at the moment.

Why then have I not given up? Mainly because of the word which God confirmed back in August. If it weren’t for that, I probably would have given up my dream altogether by now and conformed, once again, to the desires of everyone around me.

What have I done to prepare? Everything I’ve been directed to do so far. This includes (but is not limited to) having read three of John Eldredge’s books (1-Wild at Heart, 2-The Way of the Wild Heart, 3-Waking the Dead), watching an assortment of adventure movies (including the Harry Potter series, A Perfect World, etc), engaging in many a heated discussion with God, talking with people, writing out my heart, and joining on with Genesis Pure as a potential source of nutrition and income. That and to begin praying over those who have, are, or will support me in the future, either financially or through prayer.

Don’t get me wrong, I have looked into details concerning Finland as well, but one of the very clear directions I’ve had concerning this is that God Himself would work out the details. This is a bit frightening on my part, as that means trusting someone else with my future, but I’m giving it a shot. After all, if He’s gonna be the good Father that He says He is, for me, then I don’t have to know all the details. Thinking about how a good father and son might operate, I’d assume all the boy would need to know is that they are gonna be going on an adventure together and that his dad is taking care of all the details- maybe they’re a surprise- not to mention paying for both of their expenses. It is my belief that this is how God’s trying to lead me.

I’m no man of great faith, I don’t have it all together, I’m not even that confident that He’ll come through. Yet I’m taking my chances in hopes that God will truly prove Himself. The past two years have been very stretching for me and this seems to be yet another opportunity for learning with God. Either He’ll prove Himself faithful and our relationship will grow or He won’t and life will really suck, for the umpteenth time.

And I’ll leave you with that. 🙂

Ok, so maybe that’s not the most encouraging way to exit. I will be honest though, I don’t know what to expect out of this trip… But if I had to guess, based off the events of the past two years and all the preparations I’ve been making since Brazil, this’ll mark the beginning of a lifelong adventure with God. What’ll usher it in? My guess: healing, initiation, risk, and excitement.

(To learn more about… Oh, who am I kidding. If you’ve got any questions about anything I mentioned above, feel free to ask. They can relate to my pursuits, experience with Genesis Pure, or anything else that crosses your mind.)

October 2014– Past, Present, Future

The Past: August 2014
After nearly six months in Brazil, with Shores of Grace, I found my time had run out. My visa was about to expire and I had to move on. From one home to another. As I “closed the door behind me” I knew I had left a noteworthy mark—God, through me, had touched the hearts of nations. Consequently I gained a new home and a new family, one that I hope to see regularly—as regularly as thousands of miles will allow.

Over two years ago God spoke to me about the season I am currently in. “I’m going to establish you in several nations in the next few years,” He said. Though I didn’t understand that word then, I think I’ve begun to grasp a small portion of it. It’s a word that entails the building up of family.

The Present: September-October 2014
I suppose you’re wondering what I’ve been up to, now that I’ve moved to the States. The simple answer: nothing of which I had anticipated. I had this idea of coming home, getting a job or two, making money and saving up for my next trip, helping people, and developing a vision for what’s ahead. Apparently God had different plans.

To date, I have not made a single dollar and my life’s vision is foggy at best—elusive like none other. But people I have helped and learning I have done.

Upon my arrival, God provided me with a copy of John Eldgredge’s books Wild at Heart and The Way of the Wild Heart, with the intention that I read them quickly. My attention was immediately gripped within the first few pages, as it was everything I had been praying into and more. But to say I understood up till this point what God had been trying to get across would be a tale of mass proportions. In all honesty, I had no clue He was trying to initiate me into my identity and calling as a man. Looking back though, it makes sense. Thus much of my time has been spent grasping this idea of initiation and purposeful adventure (through books and movies), investing in relationships, and learning to receive those things that are so common to relationships, but that I am unaccustomed to (namely, because I had been so closed off).

The Future: October-?
This leads me to the unknown—what’s ahead. I’m at a crossroad. Either God needs to confirm, again, the direction I’m to go in (and begin to make clear what I’m to be doing in preparation) or release me from the word He spoke in August so that I can begin to settle in here for the time being.

Finland is the focus, a trip that I anticipate beginning in November. It’s been my heart’s desire to go since roughly 7yrs ago and now I have friends who live there, not to mention a very unexpected word about my going. But there are complications.

From all outward appearances, this is the most foolish of times to go: it’ll be winter there (meaning very cold, not to mention long nights), I don’t have a set plan, I have two mission trips to finish paying off, and there’s no money in the bank. Talk about setting a dramatic stage, God.

I know, I know, anyone with a bit of common sense would look at that and say, “Man, you’re in trouble,” but that’s not the word God’s been speaking to me, either directly or through others. Twice… no, three times, this past weekend, I was told not to worry, even though the road God has me on looks different from everyone else’s. He even went as far as to call me a good steward and to express His delight in me. Now tell me that I’m doing it wrong.

You see, here is where my problem lies: I see my circumstances and, though I recognize the hand of an Artist behind it all, I wonder how I could be/have been so foolish as to trust God; maybe it would be better if I listened to the advice of men, even to the detriment of my own heart and desires. But alas, when He speaks, I can’t help but hope for just a little while longer, hope that He won’t leave me at rock bottom, which would be all the worse.

If you would, please be praying for God’s heart and voice to be made known. I’m not looking for logic nor reason, I’m in this for the long haul and need the truth that only He can provide.

Also, opportunities are beginning to present themselves in Finland, as well as a desire for what to do while there. But none of that matters unless God provides a means. This is important to note as, up until now, every financial pursuit I’ve made has been met with… complications. Something’s gotta give.

And finally, thank you. To everyone who has supported me, prayed for me, or even given, thank you. May the Father bless you in return.